X…Marks The Spot!

Other girls

get diamond rings

furs

and so much more.

I recall the Old Bill

banging down our door.

Turkey, sprouts and gravy

pasted on the wall.

As your plate

flew pass my head

you stumbled

drunk

you’d fall.

Other girls have memories

of sweetest Xmas past.

All I have is wondering

how long your good will shall last.

New Year’s resolution

promises of change

so often heard.

Perhaps I should have common sense

or not believe a word.

Leaving is an option

but let’s face what is real.

I can’t remove you from

under my skin

No matter how I feel.

So merry Xmas baby

bring on all your rage

As this saga ends

I turn the final page. 

New dawn!

A creation
These many elements of self
Sometime vulnerable
At times alone.
Struggle to rise up 
Beyond self-pity
Other moments strong
Resilient, wise and fulfilled.
The atoms that make up the soul
My lady, she encompasses me
Her arms my comfort and my home
No-one wants to be alone!
Crisis, sitting at a crossroads
Embark on pastures green or gold
No longer making sense
The voices in my head
I wish I knew which one I own.
Devastated by this loss
I rise from tombstone
It felt so cold.
I’m stuck, tell me where to go
Wondering around in
Aimless haste.
Last breath, deep breath,
the breath I hold,
Death anxiety reborn
I don’t want to be alone!

Red Riding Hood's Dance.

Silent scream
lost control

Wondering
what went wrong?

Woke like death

There’s nothing left

I try in vain to sing this song.

Suddenly
I understood

Our romance
was not love

Just dependency.

Stare at me
with sweet distaste

Don’t feed me
fake sympathy.

Why was lust,
so desirable?

I could have chosen
more wisely

Leaving me
black and blue

but here is no way
you’ll ever
set me free.

So I’ll run
away from you

Fearful and desperate

With no place to hide.

Can’t remember
where to begin

Better beware
whom I let in.

The wolves
at my door

They know the score

Surrender to him

My deepest sin.

Tomorrow
 another chance

Russian roulette

To lose
to win!

Agelessness unknown

She daydreams
in multicolour
Delusions of a life she craved.
A past forgotten
Only fragments
of her memory remain.
She stops
to watch the children play.
In pantomime
being other than they are
masks and masquerade.
she stands frozen.
She understands
the meaninglessness of life
staring starkly at her from afar.
No-one told her
life was going to be this way.
She stands frozen.
Pondering another time
A different existence.
Once she had beauty
on her side.
Once she had felt alive,
yet
time has a cruel way
of creeping upon her
and stealing youth away.

Sister of Mercy

Oh sister of mercy

My heart is still bleeding

My tears they do flow

And I do still pine.

My dreams are forbidden

My love has no meaning

I so love this man

But can't make him mine.

Oh please take away

This burden I carry

Was away

This pain I can't bear.

There is no chance

We ever will marry

I am down by the river

And I wait for you there.

Oh sister of mercy

My life's not worth living

All that I wanted

Was stolen away.

Will I find no joy

Within my existence

Will I be unhappy

For the rest of my days.

Oh please take away

This load I must carry

Wash away

This hurt I can't bear

There no chance 

We ever will wed

I lay on the floor

Under the bed!

Ring of fate!

Wandering around
the ring of my life

Started out weak
needing to be strong.

Rebuilt, every piece
of my shattered soul

The realisation
I was completely wrong.

Much fortune
stood in front of me

I almost reached out
I nearly touched it

Bright
shinning light
blinded me.

Losing control
bit by bit by bit.

Stumble around
in darkness for years.

A trick
played by my sightless fate.

All hope, and determination
burnt to ashes

My love had died
or turned to hate.

Abandonment
loneliness
left to dissolve.

No courage or
self-esteem
only pain

Pain that gnawed
at my heartless soul,

Walk into the fires of hell,

You’ll never escape again.

Floating down stream
drifting or drowning

Until another blow
forces me to halt.

Will I ever break
away from the blame?

Surely, this was not all my fault.

Ending
straight back
where we began.

Full circle
from start to end

How will I ever heal this heart?

will my brokenness ever mend?

 I think
I need to start again?

How many rounds
before
I am meant to be,

Maybe
I tried too hard,

Either way
I long to be free!

Domestic Bliss

Domestic bliss

Does not exist

No matter what they say.

The countless nights

I had to feel, the force

Of your fist against my jaw.

Broken ribcage

Five times, maybe more.

Green eyes, once shining

Have deaden.

My once attractive appearance

Has turned into bruises and marks

While scars are now imprinted

Upon my ivory skin.

Beauty,  now deformed.

Yet, I allow you to enter

As if, I begged for this all.

Sirens surrounding

Flashing blue lights

As I lay in a pool

Of my own blood.

Fading in and out

Of consciousness

I watch, as they take you

Away for sentencing.

How long can they

Keep you from me

The moment you escape

The long arm of the law.

You’ll return in a rage

To destroy me once more.

Once strong, I would hope to

Fight back, and to prove

That I have a choice.

Not to be so abused

But to stand up to you

With all of my might

And knock you right down.

For justice, my right.

To be free, from this

Domestic violence

No-one should endure.

What I need to face

Laid here on the floor

No honour or grace.

As the drag you away

The monster you are

The one who had just

Jumped on my head and

Smash in my face.

Predator

Recurring dreams

Nightmarish escapism
Haunted whispers

Resounding

Through these bones.

Blood rushing

Inside the pathways

Of my veins.

Heart pulsating

Heaving bosom

Louder, faster,

Yet so cold.

All consuming

Fear and dread,

Twisted laughter  

Constant drooling.

I wait as

The door swings open,

Enter monster

Green eyed,

Lamb disguised

In wolf’s skin,

Beast who comes

To eat my flesh.

Only hope is to survive,

Before my nemesis

Comes to wake me,

Please don’t let him

Take me alive.

Even your blue eyes

He was hurt 

by my rejection

I pretended
I had not seen.

He asked,
where I was going

So I told him
where I had been.

He offer me a proposal

Then begged me .
to come clean

So I told him
about my husband

Then he said
“what does that mean?”

Even your blues eyes
could not hold me

Those tears you shed

Won’t make me stay

You money
does not control me

I must leave this place today

He confessed
his love for me

I laughed,
as he did lie

He said
he’d make me happy

Well, I’d like to see him try

For me he’d cross all oceans

And even reach the sky

The times
I've heard these tainted lies

This time I think
I am going to cry

Even your blue eyes
could not hold me

Those endless
untruthful things you say

Close the door
return to my bed

Tomorrow is another day.

Ward 13

Inside reformatory

Suppression, exposed

Freedom so unrewarding

So I’ve been told

Horrific daydreams

Drifting toward pointlessness

Silent scream

Tubes in every orifice

Feeds me morphine

Hurts me, it hurts me

White uniforms race around

Rocking me endlessly

Shhh, not a sound

Staring blankly at them

Staring blankly at me

They seem so intense

Wonder what it is they see?

Regression into pre-life

Before she was born

The pretty pictures I foresaw

Not countless snap shots of scorn

Pity, self-pity

Halt those relentless conversations

The ones inside my head

Bellowing noises,

Won’t listen to what’s been said

Cackling faces, tuning red

Shivering, ice-cold

Seemingly dead!

PMT!

Welcome to my private hell

Here, I have these ovaries to sell?

Backwards, forwards, inside out

Can you hear me scream and shout

Self-hatred, self-loathing, every day

Who am I going to be today?

A devil, a demon, cow or bitch

Turning into a hormonal witch

Something creased my life-cycle

Just don't ask me how I feel

Do you expect them to understand?

Destroy yourself, no bigger plan!

It's no good crying, it's too late

I’m not dying, just full of hate

So welcome to my private hell

Now you know me, very well

I think, I be!

I think,

Therefore I am.

Do I think,

I am who,

I think I am.

Am I therefore,

Who I am.

To be,

Or not to be.

What is to be,

And not to be.

Is to be,

What is not to be.

Can I not be,

What I cannot be.

Silly little olde me,

Trying to be,

What I cannot be.

Thinking I am,

When I am not me.

Not wanting to think,

Just trying to be!

18.22 p.m.

A wasted life, 
distorted day,

Sadness
blown away?

Broken dreams, 
destructive heart,

Life is over,  
stop, start.

Another week,  

hundredth year,

Sitting in the corner,
a teddy bear.

Another nightmare,
so forlorn ,

So empty,
so alone.

Another wound,

red raw scar,

Unrecognizable
Who the hell you are.

Another bruise,
unbearable pain,

It seems to me
You are mentally insane.

Twisted!

Can you hear me?

See me, touch me

Inside glass menagerie

Exhibitionist lifestyle

Grotesquely overrated

Hidden from view

My disobedience

Repressed aggression

Silenced and controlled

Therapy session

In the dark

Weekly watchfulness

Rain on window

My distraction

Starting outside, misty

Coldest morning

New dawn, becoming

Ice queen falling

Razor sharp word that scorn

Tiny voices inside my head

Wishing I was never born

Disappointment, I so dread

Swollen eyes, constant weeping

Not through sadness

Frustrated irate hate

Good girls always behave

I be a woman now

So don’t obey

No longer imprisoned worthless slave

Loveless Child!

A drift, up on the ceiling

I no longer feel

Story of pretence

None of this is real

Hot breath burns me

Embracing my porcelain skin

Blocking out the thought

Of you’re fluids within

Bruises appear, not one asks

Show up in the strangest place

My distant glaze, unspoken pain

Blank, confused look on my face

“Who’s going to believe you?”

Words heard, often spoke

Childhood dreams scatted

Unreal visions encountered

Truly not my safest shelter

Endurance at the last resort

Wars are won, battles fought

The right the wrongs never know

Wish for somewhere safe to go

Cowardly monster

Tell and you’re dead

Vicious beast

Get out of my head.

The Ballad of Hollise Brown

I was too young, to hold on,

To what I had been given,

That I was given youth,

A life I did not live in.

Surrendering my greatest love,

In hope of salvation,

To be drawn out on a cart,

Hung for conducting masturbation.

My mouth was dry,

My heart was still,

But all had been forgotten,

I must now haste, time is short,

I’m feeling rather rotten.

Upon that day, when I first woke,

In a state, delirious,

I open up, and tried to speak

But spoke of nothing serious.

I learnt that sweetest dream,

Had stolen my dearest heart,

I refuse to grieve from this news,

Of which I was a part.

I ordered tea and cup cakes,

And loads of honey to pour,

I ate and ate a thousand cake,

Till I could eat no more.

I dressed again, then once again

Just to be sure,

That when I left my perfumed bed,

I would, just him, adore,

He lived within, inside my head,

And never did come out,

I use to hear him deep inside,

And all he’d do was shout.

He gasped my brain within his crawls,

And squeezed it till his end,

But I understood his call,

And went around the bend.

These memories of you haunt me

So lonely, thinking of you

Remembering a love, so old

So sweet, yet with an evil twist

My blood runs cold

Feeling you within summer’s air

Breathing you in with sunshine

Missing you grieves me

Days grow longer, you’re not mine

Recall great times together

At mid-summer’s time of year

Feel loss, this time now empty

I’d do anything to feel you near

Tears announce my sorrow

Our parting, so sober

Feelings I carried all those days

It takes forever to get over

Missing you, every passing moment

Losing you, severe pain

You were so deep inside my heart

Strange I do not wish for you again

How did this happen?

Love turned into hate, unreal

I carry on without you

What do you expect me to feel?

Deadly sins...

Everyone’s at war with each other

Turn your back, stabbed by your brother

What have we done with trust?

Replaced it with money, and lust

Everyday worse than before

No compassion, anymore

What’s this message that you send

You have no idea my friend!

I become completely drained, and old

Everywhere, everyone’s, so cold

Lost all faith, in the divine

More money made, committing crime

Refuse to pretend anymore

What is left worth fighting for?

Human disease, which we breed

Lust, envy, jealousy, vanity, slot, gluttony, and greed

Death became her!

Meaninglessness,
Existence,
To be or not to be,
Impossible to re-create,
Once life is blown out,
Death I find impossible,
I scream louder than shout.
Grief has struck,
The reaper left
His grimness will remain.
I'm trying to make sense of it,
The reasons seem the same.
Pointlessness,
Nonsensical,
I barter with denial.
Forgiveness, 
Forgetfulness,
Lingers for a while.
Overwhelming,
Mournfulness,
Emptiness, no smile.
Bitterness,
Seriously,
Does that seem like me?
Unhappiness,
Constantly,
We start to agree.

Free Spirit!

I’m a free spirit!

Not controlled by society, or any construction thereof

Nor are my feelings instituted by negative emotions, this is just grief

I will swing to my own rhythm, dance to my own songs.

I will walk alone, but with no sadness, because I’m not empty.

I’m made up of many things beyond your reach,

I’m one.

I’m a soul, not a subject,

I will not be treated as such.

I should be allowed to speak before I get shouted down.

I’m not a child, although I do childlike things.

I’m not a dreamer, but I have my fair amount of dreams

I’m not ideal, yet I have my share of idealistic contributions.

I have thoughts, some that I express, and some I wish to withhold,

I will not give admit to narcissism, but I am a narcissist, to a degree.

Am I allowed to dwell in self, if I am my own creation?

You may direct me, but do not own me,

You cannot control my destiny, only I have such power.

I have the power to decide on my life

This is my life, I own this life, it’s all I have, 
I believe in me.

You don’t believe in me, yet I believe in you,

You may love me, but I need to love myself,

No-one is allowed to enter into these parts which are mine.

By doing so you create an enemy within

I’m not my own enemy, nor am I yours.

I don’t fight against my will, or against you

I chose to live my life,

You cannot end it for me.

By trying to be what you cannot be, are you are trying to control

There are no rules here, made up to suit myself.

I’m myself.

I’m not selfish.

You bring out my self-centredness by provoking what is not yours

If you fight against me, I will win, will you cheat?

You can't walk along the same road as me, it holds only my name,

I don't walk along yours.

I’m the only one who understands me, I see me, I feel me, I exist.

Watch, but don't come too close,

I will lie to you.

Don't interfere with me, I’m the only one who has self-knowledge

The one who understands me.

I don't ask anything of you

Leave me as you found me.

Give nothing,

Take nothing,

I’m only me.

MM ã      2010

Anger

How can I choose life?

If I can't grasp my destiny

I've seen mountains fall

But what does it mean to me

I arise, reborn, and cast off what's controlling me

Remove these chains, break the bond

Unleash my soul, and set my spirit free

Control, control, control, puppet masters

Fight for freedom, ask for reason

Read between the lines

Everything you say will be held against you

In a court of law?       

Who the hell are we voting for?

Can't we remember anymore?

He's aggression, her repression

Their corruption, my frustration

So who's angry now?

That poverty, this recession

Evolution into what

How far do we have to go?

Asking questions to the answers we don't know.

Hidden behind debouched religion

A frustrated preacher man

Power gave him a god complex

Masturbating inside the confession box

Do you sleep well at night preacher man?

On Sunday you speak of god's grace

But preacher man, can you look at god’s face?

Have mercy on my soul

I repent, wash away my sins

If there is this nightmare that they call hell

Let me embark on other pastures

For I’ve lived in hell

My birth so grim, but life won't wait

I'd need to hurry, before I’m late

 © MM 2010

Can't Stand It

Can't stand it, all this anger

Built up inside, brought on by you,

You left me, feeling so worthless

Empty, lonely, so god damn blue.

Did I allow this to control me?

Love to hate, got myself in such a state,

Do I have strength to continue?

Where’s my destiny, what’s my fate?

I have lost all self-esteem

I need an outlet for my pain,

No-one will ever heard me scream

You are driving me insane.

I’ll find what I was looking for, in time

This important thing right inside,

Deep inside, my destroyed soul

Someone has lost her pride.

I will arise, just like a phoenix

Standing tall, to reach those stars in your eyes,

I no longer need this love

That’s what you’ll learn, when love dies.

Another tear...so boring!

Another lonely tear, so boring

Woke up alone again, this morning

The last written tragedy!

Now I recognise, that’s me

Another destructive story

Will end, with no glory

I will not live without hope

And I will always cope

Why allow this loneliness?

Does happiness really exist?

Abandonment, fearful inside

Tenderness, I hide

Purest love, abused

Myself so pathetic, so used

Wish I’d stop this falling

Wait to hear, what’s my calling

No longer that strong

All those dreadful things I’ve done

Blame myself for my behaviour

Are you going to be my saviour?

Need to numb this inner pain

Do people really say that I’m insane?

Abuse myself, to the extreme

More a nightmare, than a dream

Wake suddenly in coldest sweat

Surrounded by greatest regret

There is no where left to hide

Naked, stripped of all my pride

Every time I try to rise

Someone knocks me down to size

Pointless trying to resist

Not sure that I even exist!

Blessed soul

Oh blessed soul, I beg thee wake

The sun shall shine, when morn does break

Another day shall, come bless thee

It does not mean a thing to me?

Oh blacken heart, thy must now heal

Let go of the past, and become real

Time to rise above it all

How much lower shall I fall?

Upon this day that I was given

To let them know I was forgiven

Does this mean that much to you?

To myself I remain true

I’ve chosen a debauched life

Never was the faithful wife

For my sins, I must now pay

Struggling to get through passing day

Awake to realise, life is mine

Feel the touch of the 'divine'?

Time to leave my hell behind

Respect myself, treat her kind.

Broken world, broken me.

Time spent criticising

Look inside this soul

If you wanted to

At a glance

Would I move you?

Why, it doesn’t move me

Don’t feel this anymore

Days spent holding on

God knows I’m not that strong

Gripping the edge of my reality

Means nothing to me

The right to crucify

Deny me my destiny

I shall not complain, anticipating,

Waiting for the sun to shine

Am I happy, are you happy

Am I lonely?

Can take anymore, who shall I turn to?

Who do you run to?

Everyone is wrapped up in self-pity

Self-containment

Self, self, self

Yes even me

Especially me

Reach out, hold another’s hand

Hug the broken heart I hold

The world so empty, people rushing by

No-one stops to see the little children cry

If I had the strength, I would hold the earth

Change the tide of the wildest sea

Take away all pain and misery

But how can I change the world

When I can’t even see me!